So, today it’s 5 years SLAA bottom line sobriety. And all I want is to act out. Thinking about how long it’s been leads to just thinking about it, period.
I’m grateful to be sober, I’m grateful for the changes in my life that have come directly from sobriety.
Serenity, manageability, happiness, feeling safe and connected a lot of the time. I’m grateful to be showing up for all my kids in a good way, and to believe have the capacity to welcome foster kids into my life (and family). I’m glad if newcomers can feel hope for themselves when I share my story. I’m so incredibly grateful not to have my abandonment wound activated constantly. I didn’t really believe it could heal, but it mostly has. I feel more acceptance for myself; my age and appearance.
It seems fitting that I recently marked 30 years clean time in NA, both notable numbers. I went to an NA meeting, the first in person one I’d been to in at least 3 years. It was so intense, the amount of dysfunction and SLA in the room combined with my own anxiety about being there just wiped me out. I don’t really feel like going again, yet still believe I “should”.
I feel uncomfortable celebrating 5 years sober, I don’t have a sponsor and I worry that my sobriety isn’t “sober enough” I’m not that diligent with using the 3 second rule, I’ve indulged in a lot of fantasy at times. Also feel uncomfortable with ever posting anything here, is it really OK, or am I just pushing on my own boundaries in a dangerous way? I don’t have lines around m and feel uncomfortable with that lack. I think if I had a sponsor to check it all out with I’d be more confident.
It’s a regular type of guilt for me, though. I feel like an NA fraud, I’ve used THC for my headaches, I’ve enjoyed the effects of my clonazepam and muscle relaxants, even though I’ve only taken them as prescribed. I cook with alcohol, I love the taste and douse my Christmas cake in it. I put a teaspoon of rum in my eggnog for the flavour…is any of that over the line? Am I actually clean? Once again, no sponsor to consult.
I take heart in Dr. W., he said not to reset my sobriety date unless I seriously blew it. I can’t wait to talk to him again more regularly. And I worry that’s because I have a little crush on him, I want to be rescued/make him my higher power. It feels impossible to do this well enough.
Just writing this makes me realize the solution might be adjusting my lines, and finding a sponsor to run it by.
Nostalgia, euphoric recall, fantasy. I’m likely to find myself there when I’m tired, having conflict with or feeling disconnected from my partner. Any kind of too much going on, fear/anxiety, loneliness, Boredom. Regular life stuff.
I don’t want to go back to how it was, but I feel so sad when I think “this is it” no more intensity, big excitement, no more getting high.
Stay in today. Not what, but how.